Do You Even Like Pop-Tarts?

If you've watched Gilmore Girls, you might remember the scene in which Lorelai Gilmore suddenly questions whether she actually likes Pop-Tarts. The problem isn't the Pop-Tarts themselves. It's what they represent.

Lorelai remembers that she first tried them because she knew her mother would disapprove. Eating them felt like freedom, rebellion, independence. But now she wonders: Do I actually like Pop-Tarts, or do I like them because my mother doesn't?

It's a funny little moment, but there's a surprisingly big question behind it:

How much of what we think we like is genuinely ours, and how much is shaped by our desire to fit in, stand out, or be accepted?

And this is a question worth asking when living abroad, too.

Learning to fit in

When we move abroad, we become observers. We learn how close to stand when talking to someone, how much eye contact to make, how loudly to speak, when to laugh, and how to greet people. We pick up on the little gestures and unspoken rules that help a society function. Some people are particularly good at this. They read a room, adjust their behaviour, and quickly understand what makes others comfortable.

This is adaptability, and it helps us build relationships and feel that we belong.

But somewhere along the way, we might start adapting without even noticing it. We learn what is expected, what is appreciated, and what makes life easier. And we keep doing it.

Until one day, we might wonder: Is this actually what I want, or is it simply what I've learned to do?

When adapting becomes automatic

Perhaps you have become more reserved because people in your new environment value discretion. Or you have learned to be more direct because that is how things get done at work. Maybe you keep saying yes to invitations when you'd really prefer a quiet evening at home.

None of this is necessarily a problem. We change through experience, and sometimes we genuinely discover new preferences. But there is a difference between choosing to change and feeling that you have to change.

When you spend so much time reading other people, you may stop reading yourself. You know what is expected of you, but are you still aware of what you need?

We often think we know who we are. Yet our surroundings influence our behaviour, ambitions, and boundaries more than we might realize.

Perhaps we agree to things we don't want to do because we don't want to appear difficult. Perhaps we compromise on our ambitions because we feel grateful for the opportunities we've been given. Little by little, adapting can become automatic.

The danger isn't that we change. It's that we stop noticing whether those changes still feel right for us.

How do you know when to stop adapting?

The answer isn´t to stop adapting or to hold on to everything we were before moving abroad. It's about knowing what matters to us. The how can change without losing sight of the why.

You might learn to communicate differently while still valuing honesty. You might adjust to a new social culture while protecting your need for time alone. You can embrace a different way of life without abandoning your own boundaries.

And, of course, your preferences are allowed to change. You might genuinely discover that you like something you once disliked. The point isn't to remain the same person forever, but to stay curious about why you make the choices you do.

So, every now and then, it might be worth asking yourself:

• Where am I adapting because I genuinely want to?

• Where am I doing something simply because it is expected of me?

• Which boundaries have I stopped respecting?

• What have I discovered about myself since moving abroad, and what have I stopped listening to?

You don't need immediate answers. Just asking these questions can be a useful first step.

Perhaps the goal isn't to become someone who can adapt to everything. Perhaps it's to enter a new culture, learn from it, and allow it to change you without losing touch with yourself.

And if you find yourself questioning your preferences, don't worry. You don't need to throw away all your Pop-Tarts. But it might be worth asking yourself whether you actually do like them.

---

THE ART OF ADAPTING IS LEARNING TO LIVE IN A DIFFERENT WORLD WITHOUT FORGETTING TO LISTEN TO YOUR OWN.