Expat Guilt - A Feeling that Keeps on Giving

Chances are that even before you set foot in your new host country, you experience expat guilt. It is an undeniable feeling that you are about to do something that may not be right. This emotion stems from the fact that you will likely disappoint and potentially hurt people along the way.

Understanding Expat Guilt

First, let's define expat guilt. According to Merriam-Webster, guilt is defined as:

A feeling of deserving blame for offenses.

So, what are the offenses that you, as an expat, might feel guilty about?

Leaving Loved Ones Behind

As a starter, you are about to leave your country, friends, and family behind. Your family and friends may not support your decision. They may express sentiments like, “How could you leave us alone?” Alternatively, they might say something more subtle, such as, “We will REALLY miss our grandchildren. Especially since we are already so old. Will we ever see them again? Do you really have to move?”

Let’s address the elephant in the room: you are leaving them behind. You are taking the grandchildren away. In the worst-case scenario, you may not know when you will see them again. This reality can weigh heavily on you, making you feel guilty.

Even if your family and friends are supportive of your decision, you may still experience these feelings. Questions may flood your mind: Can I leave them? Can I really take the grandchildren away from them? How much time do I have left with them? Is it okay to leave them?

Career Concerns

The same feelings of guilt can occur when you have to quit your job. You might wonder, “What will happen to my position once I’m gone? Will I get my job back when I return? What impact will living abroad have on my career?” Again, these thoughts trigger guilt about whether you are making the right decision.

The Ongoing Struggle

Unfortunately, expat guilt doesn’t end once you arrive in your host country. While navigating the challenges of culture shock, worries about whether you're doing the right thing may arise.

Then comes the time to repatriate. People back home eagerly await your return, but what if you're offered to extend your assignment? What do you do then? Staying longer could mean disappointing the people back home who expected you. It feels like you simply can’t win.

Guilt as a Parent

If you have children, expat guilt can intensify. You recognize your responsibility to them. While the expat adventure offers wonderful experiences, it also forces your children out of their comfort zones—something they didn’t ask for. They may feel the weight of leaving behind their friends, school, and grandparents. They may become human chameleons, growing up with freedom but lacking roots.

Seeing your children cry as they have to say goodbye to a life they know can be brutal. It can cut to your core, making you feel an overwhelming sense of guilt.

The Decision-Making Process

Ultimately, it comes down to your decision to leave. Nobody is forcing you to go—you have the option to stay. Each decision you face can feel like a door, and choosing one often brings fear of making the wrong choice. The fear of regretting your decision for the rest of your life looms large.

Embracing Expat Guilt

Now that you are living the expat lifestyle, how can you manage your expat guilt?

Firstly, it's essential to understand that expat guilt is just a feeling. It is not a fact, certainty, or reality. You worry about whether you have made the right decision.

What is the best way to deal with fear? The answer is not to ignore it or push it aside. Instead, you should confront it. Exposure is an effective way to manage fear. You must openly talk about what you are feeling and find ways to cope.

For instance, if you worry about not seeing your parents again, ask yourself: Is this true? Can you schedule regular visits, phone calls, or send surprises? Include your family in your adventure. Get creative with ways to maintain relationships with them.

If you're concerned about your children, think about what you can do to provide them with stability throughout your moves. Establish routines that help them feel secure. Maybe a Friday evening board game or celebrating birthdays in similar ways can create a sense of continuity. It's vital to talk to them about their feelings, allowing them to express themselves without dismissing their concerns with, “But you have so many privileges.”

Facing Reality

As much as we wish these problems didn’t exist, they do. Ignoring them will not only affect your experience but could lead to regret about your expat lifestyle in the long run. Take the time to think things through, come up with solutions, and recognize that the expat lifestyle comes at a price.

A Balanced Perspective

Remember, choosing option A—staying at home—doesn't guarantee a smooth life either. It doesn’t ensure you will have a good relationship with your family, that your children will find great friends, or that your job will run smoothly. Every decision carries its consequences. Often, the choices we regret the least are those we have carefully considered.

COACHING because it is best to address expat guilt.

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Conclusion

Being brave isn’t the absence of fear. Being brave is having that fear but finding a way through it.

• Bear Grylls -

  
  

Recognize your emotions, talk about them, and find ways to manage your guilt. Facing these challenges will allow you to truly enjoy the expat experience. You can turn the guilt into an opportunity for growth, thereby enriching your life and the lives of those around you.